It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
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insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team