🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
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Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Aight bet
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese