[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
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Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Candles never taste the way they smell
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.