[adds another nod to the conversation]
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We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.