[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
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Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
what is cheese if not milk persevering
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.