Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
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40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke