11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
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Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother