70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
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genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
mathematically impossible
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.