My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
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I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips