If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
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I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
no!! no!!!!!!
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME