Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
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i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
There is no “we” in pizza
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
me after drinking all the wine:
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Going into Monday like
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents