I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
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I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Sell your car
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.