They should invent clothes that get fat with you
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I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.