Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
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This forever.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
my sentiments exactly