Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
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I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮