THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
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Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
mentally somewhere in italy
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Life cycle of cat
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.