boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
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*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Facebook Twitter
Sorry not sorry.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign