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People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.