Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
You Might Also Like
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no