ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
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You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
wait.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire