Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
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[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT