my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
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Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.