They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
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Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”