I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
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Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
My teenage children choosing violence
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.