Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
You Might Also Like
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
🛁
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.