No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
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Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.