I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
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Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
SPLOOT
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Just a reminder, folks:
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Saturday