My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
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if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
That was easy.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.