Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
You Might Also Like
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?