Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
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Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
If you’re testing me, we failed.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Are these grass-fed oranges?
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.