Cake!!
You Might Also Like
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to