Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
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sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Anyone want a chair?
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
🤣🤣🤣
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.