Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
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I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
The prophecy is fulfilled
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive