Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
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Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
good let them take over I have had enough
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.