I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
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After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?