Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
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Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
TRAIN’S HERE
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Worlds greatest photobomb
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider