[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
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customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice