Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
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LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
#parenting
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
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ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”