Son鈥檚 journal entry
馃挴 sweet 馃挴 inaccurate on all counts
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My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today鈥檚 group Skype meeting.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I鈥檒l have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn鈥檛 sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor鈥檚 party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I鈥檓 not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I鈥橫 STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON鈥橳 YOU LOVE MEEE?
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you鈥檙e going
batman: *starts screaming*
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
As always, Wile E. Coyote鈥檚 plan had unexpected consequences.