Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
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I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Dead sexy!!
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs