Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
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You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Breaking news:
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…