I needed this laugh 馃槀馃槀馃槀
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ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that鈥檚 not how the first responder discount works
huge if true: the moon
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn鈥檛 say 19 hours a day* cheating
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I鈥檓 intrigued
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can鈥檛 get my jeans on
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please