Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
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[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
(yawn)
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.