I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
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Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]