Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
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At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross