This dude got his own movie?
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[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
boat question
Bond. Trauma bond.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS