If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
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I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I’ll be mad as hell!
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.