I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
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Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
“no gods no masters” = leo
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…