mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
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I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
These are my emotional support Pringles.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?