[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
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My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
“Sheer Arrogance”
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.